Hypocritical Matters
by Calypse
Summary: What happens... say if Hermione agreed to getting raped by Draco? What if... Draco and Ron beat each other up before doing the slash scenes? What if... Ron refuses to do slash scenes with Harry? What if Fred and George won't do twincest? Buwahaha!
1. An 'abusive' DMHG Relationship

Calypse: ok, so I was bored once again by the mundane life this country so adequately provides me with. Actually it's because an important file containing all of my fics, pics, and so on and so forth has been deleted and as a result I decided to write a new fic to vent out frustration on... Microsoft word? My computer will never be same after this...

**Chapter one-** An 'Abusive' DMHG Relationship

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A dark spooky alley, but that's where this happens a lot isn't it? Either this or an empty class in the middle of the night, but lets say that people graduated (by skipping two years) and got a job and is living there lives to the fullest... almost.

The dark lord rose, he murdered people, who cares? That isn't what this story is about, nope, this story is about using a cliché subject about clichés. Oops I wasn't supposed to give that away, silly me. Anyways...

A dark alley

One where rats crawled by making homes in human skulls (who knows how it got there) ravens cawed, and all and all a pretty disgusting place to be. But Hermione was there, why? We don't know because that's how these things start, Hermione has to be somewhere alone in the middle of the night. Yes lets all forget the fact that she has intellect that surpasses most people (even me, especially me because I don't speak 300 languages now do I? Oh wait, she doesn't either? Her loss...) and there is no way that she would just be standing there without a wand looking clueless and stupid as if waiting for something.

Enter Draco Malfoy

He's the real victim, I mean who wants to ride a mudblood? Certainly not him...

"So Granger," he drawled licking his lips like a sex god he is, all dressed in leather with his chest exposed to the night's air. "Wha... shit." In one fluid motion the blond covers his nose glaring daggers at the doe like brown eyes. "Of all the places to pick... do you seriously think I'll do you in the sewers?!"

Suddenly the air of innocence, weakness, and overall vulnerability disappears from Hermione as her eyes harden in to... err chips of wood?

"Well I don't have that many choices!" she stamped her feet impatiently on the slimy floor wincing as some of the grime splashes on to the 100 galleon dress Harry got her for her birthday. Merlin knows why she's wearing it... in an alley of all places...

"Well I refuse to 'force' you if we're going to do it here." Snapped Draco indignantly pulling at his leather vest. "I'm freezing my ass off! I want to go home! This is a fanfic, I'm not getting paid!"

"But that's the fun of it!" protested Hermione shaking her F-cup chest up and down with Draco appreciating the effects of the tight, 100 galleon material.

"Granger..."

"Didn't you see what it said up there?! Abusive relationship! You fuck me, I cry, you do it again until you come to your senses or Harry rescues me." At the last one she struck a pose which... ended up ripping a part of her dress... which showed the part of the anatomy not normally shown to public.

"Now you really look like a hooker." Stated Draco, wondering why the hell they were standing there in a freezing weather while it was raining, in an alley way! He was confused, poor Draky...

Hermione got ticked off, perhaps she was on PMS with all her moodswings you know?

"Excuse me?!" she said poking at Draco's stomach and enjoying the hard, six pack muscles. "Who are you calling a hooker?! You're the one who's dressed up as a slut!" Draco turned red,

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO WEAR THIS SHIT!" Hermione cringed back then straightened out her suddenly sleek and curly hair.

"Oh I did? It looks good on you Draky-darling." She purred wrapping her arms around his muscular neck. "So... about..."

"Granger... this is about abuse, not you trying to jump me." Stated Draco flatly pushing her away from her.

For a moment, she looked offended but then walked up to him putting one of his hands on her D? F? Cup breasts. Suddenly her lips quivered, then her eyes watered, then she burst out laughing...

"AHAHAHA I'M SORRY!" she choked out as Draco jumped away from her. "I just can't do this scene!" she giggled as she poked at her synthetic breasts, "wow, can I get another boob job while I'm at it? I'm supposed to meet up with Harry and he'll probably love it if it's a few centimeters longer!"

Draco Malfoy, for the moment, looked angry.

"I GAVE UP DOING SLASH SCENES FOR THIS?!!"

(Caly's sorry XD)

**Take 2 **

Draco played paddleball disinterestedly while Hermione changed in a changing room that had conveniently appeared in the alleyway.

"Can I rape you now?"

"No Draco, I have to get ready."

"Now?"

"No I still have to put on my make up, and shave my legs."

"What's the point? I'll mess it up anyways, we're supposed to do an _'abuse'_ scene. Now?"

"No, I still have to finish my lips and wear this gorgeous dress Harry bought me."

"_This gorgeous dress Potty bought me!"_ mimicked Draco, strongly reminded to quit doing slash scenes with Harry. "Like I said before, what's the point? I still have to rip it off."

"Do you want the audience to see me run around naked?!" shrieked Hermione hysterically popping her suddenly bushy head out to witness Draco covering his ears and getting bopped by the pink, rubber ball.

"IT'S A GODDAMN RAPE SCENE GRANGER! IT DOESN'T MATTER!" with a disdainful sniff she went back in flashing her F-cups as she went.

"Well it matters to me. And since that annoying authoress isn't talking every other paragraph, lets take time to do all of this."

Draco growled.

**1 hour later...**

"So how do I look?" waved Hermione flaunting her new emerald dress in front of the half-frozen, angry, irate, Malfoy.

"Fine, now let's get it over with!" Hermione looked disappointed but she complied as Draco forcefully slammed her into a wall, his face coming closer and closer...

What?!

No kiss?!

We can't have a relationship without a forceful, steamy kiss!!

"D.R.A.C.O!" Hermione gritted out pronouncing each and every syllable, uhh no, letters then. "We're supposed to do this!"

"Hey I'm not sacrificing myself to a mudblood so she could go and have a nice snog session with Saint Potter! I actually have a job you know! Not all of us get money out of thin air!" Hermione twitched.

"Fine! Be that way! I'll sue for divorce!." Jiggling her D-cup breasts in Draco's face she apparated away to Hogwarts... somehow.

"Crazy bitch."


	2. HPHG The mispelled

Calypse: Thank you for the reviews... and for those who think this is completely stupid and insane (sorry I'm insane, I cannot make a fic without it being insane) if you don't want to face me complaining, please do stuff it. My computer deleted most everything I had and I am not very happy. This chapter? Some of the misspelling were put there on purpose, others not. Note that I did not use spell check.

**Chapter 2-** HPHG The Misspelled

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Today had been a excellent day as far as anyone could see, (No not Harry, his eyes are damned already.) the sky was an enchating shade of gold and red the color of Griffindor. (Though it might have been prettier if it was purple ne?)

He had already thrice defeated the evil warlock Draco Malfoy from abusing his friend Hermion Granger any more than nesessary. He had payed back the words by three times punching Malroy repeatedly in the chin. (If I was Harry and I was pissed, I would have gone for the face.)

Of course in a chain reaction Hermione kissed him passionatly her lips firmly locked onto his even past the point of them breathing. When they woke up they were in the halls where they fainted, a gabillion students had walked by never noticing a single one of them. (Sad, the boy who lived being trampled to death by students...)

Their Harry proceeded to proposed to Hermione producing a 200 galleon 30karet gold ring which he held out saying the words when... he belched. Luckily Hermione who was transfixed on the honking big diamond forgave and all who walked by never even spared them a glance.

Blushing slighty Harry said

"Hermione my love, your sweet voice has tempted me to do the undoable, will you marry me?" despite the fact that they had never gotten together in the first place Hermione squealed accepting the fact happily as Harry fought to fit the ring on her ring finger. Unfotunately Harry had underestimated Hermione's finger width and she had to wear it on her pinky.

Conveniently enough there was a ball to be held that night and Harry asked, "w..."

"Of course!" she squealed pushing Harry's face into her F-cup bust.

"I didn't even ask..." said Harry happily as she pranced away to get dressed.

**-Night-**

Hermione took care in dressing herself up, getting out an expensive, black satin dress from her bag, uncrumpled. And No, I don't know why she carries it around. Quickly looking around she began to strip... slowly.

First with the shoulders to look sexy if Harry tries to come pick her up early. (And this is why there are problems about teenage sex...) unfortunately her shirt was not a robe and she ended up shredding it to bits to take if off her along with her F-cup bra.

Then just as slowly she slipped in to her beautiful dress with all its glitteriness, diamonds sparkling against the moonbeam somehow coming from her window.

After her dress she began to do her hair, curling it up into an elegant bun. But when she tried to take her fingers off she found that she couldn't and she settled for just a niec plain and shiny.

Putting a dark lip gloss on her lips and licking it to taste the cherry flavor she proceeded to pu t her earings on her ears despite the fact that she never had them pierced and all that.

Finally after much hassle and none of her room mates coming up to dress themselves she went down to the dormitories to where Harry was waiting sexy in his black tuxedo. (ahh but where are the dress robes I wonder)

**-Ball-**

The ball was a grand feast where Harry and Hermione had no trouble claiming a empty tabel for two, and they went on talking lovingly, undesterbed for no one tried to talk to them.

Ron stopped by to congratulate Hermione and Harry when Hermione flashed her ring on her ring finger but disappeared just as quickly in a puff of smoke.

Pansy Parkinson stopped by as well gasping in rage as she held Draco closer in jealousy when Hermione stood up with Harry, her dress showing way too much cleaverage to be allowed in a PG-13 fic.

Hermione, now that we get a good look at her, was absolutely stunning in her dress of black fur imbedded with tiny 29karet diamonds. Her dress had slits that went nearly up to her hips but stopped just before showing her pantys. The dress was sleeveless and near transparent, giving all the school population a 'greath' view.

"You... you...!" sobbed Pansy pitifully as Draco went slack and drooled after the departing pair. But they disappeared to having no more purpose in this story than I have with intimate relationships between spiders and socks.

"Shall we dance?" said Harry as the full dance floor made a room for them disappearing as well.

"we shall." Said Hermione sweetly jigglying her enormous breasts as romantic music began to play witht hem matching to the beat.

The whole dance was wonderful and magical for the authoress said so too lazy to type out the whole thing. They went to the lake escaping the eyes of there peers (there were none mind you) standing by the shore as Hermione slipped for she was hot... evne though it was... what winter? Oh hell make it summer... umm wait that's like break right? Whatever, the sun was magically flipped around changing the weather of the hemespheres.

Harry joined her stripping down to his boxers whiel she swam around leasurely still in her dress. By now the dress was tightfitting and useless because you could see through the material.

"I love you so much." Said Harry breathlessly as he placed his hand on her butt groping her ass and basically feeling around.

He began to ge hard tearing off her dress as she 'helped' tearing off the expensive material to let it sink to the bottom.

Basically they had underwater sex after discovering that Hermion ahd forgotten to put on her underwhere and bra.

Later the Merfolks complained of profanity in the water traumatizing the giant squid.

Later they found that hermione was pregnatn but that was much later.

Later Harry and Hermione got married and lived happily ever after without the author interfering... right.


	3. Twincest, the problems with it FWGW

**Calypse: **increasingly not funny, maybe I just have a dry wit. Or maybe there's just too much to make fun of in DMHG fics. Thanks everyone that reviewed, I didn't know everyone would like it so much. Sorry for making you wait but if you're here for insanity rather than desperate attempts at humor, abandon fic. ;P

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**-**

**Take 1**

**-**

"It's not really fair!"

"Uh-huh"

"I mean fine, if you **_really_** want to do a twincest fic, you have the law of free speech that makes people ignore the fact that we're actually English, on your side but really!"

"Yeah, they get us all muddled up and stuff. They can't tell who's who half the time. I mean really, it's not that hard to tell us apart. I'm obviously the more adorable one."

There was a pregnant pause at the end of this statement, or you could translate that as, the authoress took a brief break regarding the usage of a water fountain.

"Don't push it."

"Indeed, you usually do all the pushing."

"Besides, we're identical."

"Which is probably why they think we are carbon copies of each other. It really gives a new meaning to the phrase 'screw yourself'."

"A modern day narcists aren't we?"

"Yeah."

"Send in the clones."

"Uh-huh... but..."

"I mean we seem to screw each other because we're brothers! We're supposed to be prankers extraordinair, not some bloody angsty teens writing up a bloody angsty story about how we're sharing this obviously cliché love of being brothers. Twincest dammit!"

"Fred..."

"Really! You'd think at least I'd be able to crack a joke or two, me being the obviously more talented older twin and all."

"Fr... wait, why do you think you're older?"

"'f' comes before 'g' dear twin."

"That's the most idiotic... whatever... Fred..."

"And then the story lines usually turn into a headlong dive smut and snogging, not that I mind the latter, do you George? Well..."

There was a deep sigh of utmost regret.

"What happened to the good old days when a man could screw his brother and get away with it?"

"Fred, for the love of god that has never happened in history of wizard and muggle history..." ignoring the how-do-you-know-that look, "and while I don't mind you rant, could you speed up a bit?" the last part of came out in a growl as a frustrated redhead wiggled his bottom.

"Uhh right mate," Fred shifted a little, getting a better leverage over his twin.

"Really, Twincest, it's overrated."

"Uh-huh"

**-**

**Take 2**

**-**

The sky was a peaceful blue until an ungrateful redhead decided to ruin the day for everyone by marring it gray. But alas, for a story, one must make sacrifices as they go along. Certain sacrifices do include freezing one's ass off on top of a roof. Anyways, back to our desperate heroes, who are holding hands and shivering.

And in the process of playing who-can-derobe- the-other-faster to the shock of their younger brother who had frozen to the spot and apparently glued himself onto the stairwell.

"Really, Fred, we have to tell her." gasped George as he arched indefinitely onto the springy mattress with his twin straddling his stomach.

"But why?" whined Fred, pausing momentarily to let George catch his breath before continuing to tickle the toes one by one. "I mean... if it was two years before I would have understood but really!"

A thunderstorm clapped overhead, turning the sky into a maelstrom of violent winds, how fitting for a confession day.

Tears leaked out of the corner of George's eyes, at the pain... oh the unbearable pleasure of having one's foot tickled.

"That's what she asked me to do!" screamed George, as he rolled over, twisting and writhing beneath his twin.

"And since when have you listened to her?" asked Fred crossly, stripping the foot free of its socky companion. "Oy, ickle Ronnie-kin, if you're not going to join in then go away."

"Fred." moaned George,

"Alright, alright, we'll tell, just don't come crying to me when she disowns us or something because I'll say 'I told you so'."

"Right."

So the twins on their socked feet, or foot in George's case, crept into the kitchen where Molly Weasley was cheerfully arranging and rearranging the pile of letters with a swift flick of her wand.

"Can't we come back at a time when she doesn't have the bloody wand?" whispered Fred,

"Sure... ouch, Fred!"

"Fred? George?" called Molly suspiciously. The twins came up to her, their heads bowed. The thunder gave a loud roar at that moment and the lights flickered off. Ron did not come down asking for a candle for he had been removed from the house entirely for the lack of a part in later paragraphs. "What's wrong?"

They could think of a number of things that was wrong.

The light was out, and there was something suspiciously wet sliding down George's head...

"Mum we have to confess something..."

"Did you blow up another toilet?"

"No mum,"

"Did you kill anyone with your jokes?"

"No..."

"Did you send Percy one of your Chinese finger traps?"

"I don't think we've done that one yet..."

"Have you betrayed the order?"

"Not yet"

"Have you changed in to new underwhere...?"

"Yeah, wait... mum...!"

"Alright then what's wrong?"

"We're gay." the thunder boomed, the lightning illuminating the three figures in the kitchen ominously, defying the laws of physics which state that light travels faster than sound.

"Oh that's nice." commented Molly and she began to reply to some of the letters while tossing a few other into the fireplace for kindling.

"We're having a relationship."

"Oh good, new family members, the house is so empty and quiet with the Authoress kidnapping people this way and that."

"With each other."

"Oh well, but I really would have liked new family members..."

"Mum!" Fred raised his voice loudly, Molly blinked owlishly at him. "Aren't yo a little mad that your sons are... gay and having an incestuous relationship?"

"Oh, not really... but did you hear? Remus plans to throw a wedding with the dead ghost of Sirius who has been brought back for 24 hours under a mysterious curse created by an even more mysterious authoress."

"I forgot... we're in the fandom. OOCness is a must in such."

"Like twincest isn't a fandom thing... we tried... we really did."

"I guess that's all that matters... not..."

"Do I get a kiss?"

"Oh no, we have to go into a full snogging session with our mother egging us on, right... now."

"Oh goody."

**-**

**Take 3**

**-**

George shivered, fingering the razor edge as he contemplated if his life was worth taking. Well dying would most certainly be better than being half naked on top of a roof with nothing but a floating mirror to see himself in and a magical blade that kept bouncing back up whenever he threw it back down. It didn't help that his voice never managed to carry on beyond a few precious centimeters and that his clothing mysteriously disappeared one-by-one with a sinister cackle with only one culprit in mind.

The authoress...

He winced as a thick novel hit his skull, knocking the thought of 'must kill authoress' down the two story building along with the book. Fred wondered why his knife didn't do that but oh well.

"No George...!" was that Fred? Or was it someone else? It sounded so far away... "don't do it...!"

Sighing, George raised the blade to slice it through...

"I'm coming...!"

"Would you stop that?" snapped George irritably at his twin, who was equally half naked and was in the process of making faint screams.

"Can't argue with the script." shrugged the redhead, before making barely detectable moans that would have made Moaning Myrtle proud.

"I'm trying to cut my hair and you're not helping." sniffed George sulkily, "I feel unloved."

"Aww there, there Georgie-worgie... I'm here for you."

"I hate it when you call me that."

"Would you like me to call you Elmer instead?"

"No..."


End file.
